awkward junior high logic on love?

As displayed through the mindless blabber of one freshmen male attending a Christian university in California:

"If she's single, then the whole world stands in your way.
If she's in a relationship, only one guy stands in your way."

Really. What in the world does this even mean?

This is why I never come to campus to study. Just saying. The intellect might scar me.

phoenix.

I sought the Lord,

Do you know what it is to seek the Lord? I think I am ... just beginning to realize how much I don't seek Him. How much I need to seek Him. Every day. Every moment. I mean, you know you have a problem when you call your insurance company before you talk to the One who created you, right? After all, He's only the God of heaven and earth. Yeah. Him.

Why He would bother with little ol' me, I don't know, but God in His mercy has demonstrated His love toward me time and again. Especially when I do not deserve it. His love is like the ocean's tide - vast, deep, dependable, eternal.

I thought I knew what it meant to seek Him before, but I clearly had no clue. It's a conscious choice. That's for sure. But beyond that - it's Love. Seeking the Lord communicates to Him that you know He's got your best in mind. That you're living this belief out loud.

For those who sporadically read this blog, you might recall what I wrote on January 25. Maybe you're looking it up now:

"God doesn't give you what you think you need or what you desire... He gives you what you need when you need it... His time frame."

I wish I could have remembered this today, sitting in my car in the middle of a busy parking lot, wracking my brain to discover the reason why my car's engine would not turn over. Despite my best efforts to keep Phoenix charged, that dashboard light blazed the unhappy truth into disbelieving eyes: my car was dead.

My eyes brimmed with tears faster than my caution blinkers could issue warning to impatient drivers who pulled up behind me. But my car would not move.


And the Lord answered me;

There's nothing more devastating than that feeling of utter helplessness that follows in the wake of something that you cannot avoid. As soon as I felt my car lurch and sputter, however, I figured freaking out a little bit would help. Or maybe calling a few people.

Totally the wrong idea, as it had the effect of getting me worked up even further than I was before. I would say, in retrospect, that it is generally a bad idea to talk with anyone when upset. I will avoid doing so in the future.

I figured my car would be okay at first. Weird things happen with my car on a regular basis. Perhaps it would start up again, without issue. But at this point, the inevitable hit me like a ton of bricks: I would be without transportation of my own for a little while. I was glad to be in a parking lot and not on the side of a freeway.

He delivered me from all my fears.

You might ask yourself, "Self, why did Dominique put a semi-colon at the end of the last bold phrase?" Okay, I'll be realistic. Maybe you thought nothing of it. There is a method to my madness -- and it is not because I forgot to edit.

On the contrary, it was a pre-meditated typo.

I would like to point out that seeking the Lord does not reap what YOU want when YOU want it. Rather, seeking the Lord provides you with the best answer. God's answer.

Once I realized that His answer was the best, my fears were eradicated. I realized He would provide for me, despite the odds. Truly, my God is great. And GOOD. And merciful.

Do you know Him? If not, I hope you seek Him while He may still be found.

- Psalm 34:4

if i could i would.

But I won't, because I can't.

cat-ty
adj. cat-ti-er. cat-ti-est
1. Subtly cruel or malicious; spiteful.
2. Of, or resembling, a cat; catlike.

I have scores of guy friends and only a handful of friends who are girls for a reason. The girls I do count as friends are spectacular individuals. They are, above all else, not catty. I love them to death.

some humor for the academic.

Was snooping through Facebook yesterday, which has sadly become a daily routine, and stumbled upon a friend's status update that made me chuckle greatly:

"This semester? Is officially going to end all semblance of a normal social life. Welcome back to college."

If only there was such a thing.

Through college this one constant remains true -- there is nothing "normal" about it. A person must pick between the social scene and homework, because the two do not mix. Life begins AFTER grades are posted. And no sooner!

For all who struggle out there, if it's any consolation, I am still burning the candle at both ends. Because I must. Thanks to limited finances, I must maintain a job... Even after college, this is what happens. If you want to get anywhere in life, I mean :)

Anyhow. That being said, welcome back to reality.

Louis de Bernieres.

Image cred: Courtney Hilbig

Captain Corelli's Mandolin
Love is a temporary madness,
it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.
And when it subsides you have to make a decision.
You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together
that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.
Because this is what love is.
Love is not breathlessness,
it is not excitement,
it is not the promulgation of eternal passion.
That is just being “in love” which any fool can do.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,
and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.
Those that truly love, have roots that grow towards each other underground,
and when all the pretty blossom have fallen from their branches,
they find that they are one tree and not two.

.....

I don't need this kind of excuse to tell you I miss you, RD. I hope this makes you smile as it did me! I love you. The "rooted" version. And the other version. Combined.

attributes.

God doesn't give you what you think you need or what you desire. He doesn't cater to the instant-gratification generation. He gives you what you need when you need it and not a moment too late. It is on His time frame, after all.

This morning, as I was studying His Word, the Lord placed on my heart a desire to study His attributes again, through fresh eyes.

I will begin my study tomorrow morning with this new directive, and post here accordingly.

Disclaimer: Due to seen and unforeseen difficulties between time constraints, self, and laptop, I will probably refrain from daily postings. That, and there is much more to God and His attributes than I could ever sum up in a simplistic blog format. I will, however, be posting accordingly.

100.

Let's start this off with a few stats. This is to be my one-hundredth post to Pensare, according to Blogger. And as of today, there have been 1184 visits to my site. I am presently unsure of exact numbers, but there are probably over ten posts in my "Edit" pile, sitting there staring at me, awaiting a final draft in order to be posted. Some may never see the light of day. There are yet others that I have deleted.

I decided, just recently, to start pulling the "good" posts from an earlier blog account on Xanga and transposing them here. Just for grins. If you see a few posts show up with a "2006" indicator, that's where they came from. We'll see if this works :)

This one is from Sunday, 15 January 2006:

A few little words of conviction...and they're from God...

"'Who are you that you fear mortal men, the sons of men, who are but grass, that you forget the LORD your Maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth, that you live in constant terror every day because of the wrath of the oppressor? The cowering prisoners will soon be set free; they will not die in their dungeon, nor will they lack bread. For I am the LORD your God, who churns up the sea so that its waves roar...I have put my words in your mouth and covered you with the shadow of my hand -- I who set the heavens in place, who laid the foundations of the earth, and who say to Zion, 'You are my people.'" - Isaiah 51:12-16

"'As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work.'" - John 9:4

some humor for the road.

Today, in light of the fact that my sweet sis is soon to be married, she and I and one of her other bridesmaids are heading out on a small road trip to the big Valley.

There are too many freeways in Los Angeles. And they all start with "THE ___."

Examples:
The "Five" -- translation: Interstate 5.
The "Four-oh-Five" -- translation: Interstate 405.
The "Two-Ten" -- translation: Interstate or State Route 210.
The "One-Eighteen" -- translation: State Route 118.
The "One-Seventy" -- translation: State Route 170.
The "One-oh-One" -- translation: U.S. Route 101.

Need I say more?

What I read on the overhead boards while driving:

"Take _____ to _____ in _____ miles."

The part where you fill in the location could be summed up as follows:

"San Los Fersiscomentatura."

You fill in the blanks. It's all Spanish to me.

quarter. two. nine.

Quarter.
That's what was left of all my change after I left the coffee shop this morning.

Two.
There are three two's in today's date. I am amazed how quickly this month has disappeared already; in four days, I will be teaching.

Nine.
The amount of months between when I started this adventure and when it ends. Of this I am happy. At least it was not a longer period of time.

Quarter-to-Nine.
I need to finish my lesson plans. But I remain incredibly distractable.

Yes.

I just made up a word.

consistency.

In a world wrought with uncertainty, only You remain true. I know, no matter what I face in life, You will hold me in Your hand. And sustain me. Forever. Your mercy knows no bounds. Your faithfulness reaches beyond my finite mind. I am Yours.

it must be nice.

Ever since when I can remember,
Nothing comes free of charge
Yet here you are, always relaxing.
That's been you, since September.
You: loving life and living large.
If I'd a care, I'd tell you something.

It must be nice, To be handed the world on a silver platter.
It must be nice, Never having to climb the corporate ladder.

Not to point the finger but tis true;
Think it through thoroughly.
Careless friends and piles of dishes --
I've forgotten how in anger to stew.
Oy vey. Why me, my plea.
To go home, every part of me wishes.

My schedule fills, spills out and over.
You complain of the mundane.
Paint this, move that; please-dos, do-nots,
Oh -- I'm having my loud friends over,
Yes really, it is quite the pain.
Oh, do wake at five to bang pans and pots!

It must be nice.
Not a thought towards another's plight.
So willing, so eager to pick a petty fight.
It must be nice,
To relax and to no longer be in school.
But apparently it is I who play the fool.


It must be nice.
It must be. Truly.

it's all about what you believe.

Life is and is not what you make of it.

It all boils down to choices.

It all boils down to your answers to these simple questions:

- What is the nature of God?
- What is the nature of man?

rough nights.

No one ever prepares you for perfectionism. You know? I'm talking about, staying up late because you're sure the project due will not get itself done in the morning. After all, you're up late anyhow... so might as well not go to bed anyway? That kind of thing? Thankfully, I have yet to pull the token college "all-nighter."

Maybe I'm the Lone Ranger in this. But I seriously have a problem. I'm a perfectionist. Perfectionism is my downfall and has the power to keep me from what's truly important in life. Perhaps this blog is my only outlet right now for all things imperfect. Everything I think about, pray about, don't say out loud -- I keep those hidden quite well and, when I need to, find solace in my writing.

Okay, not everything. I do actually talk to people. I figure it's fitting to have relationships, since I live in the real world with real people. How better to grow a relationship than through talking through life's difficulties and offering each other support / love / encouragement? Well, that's part of it anyhow.

I ramble and tend to wax incoherent when tired, so apologies for any rash statements, confusion in phrasing, mechanical faux pas, or the like. Completely unintentional.

My point in writing this entry: I need to remind myself that sleep helps the brain to function properly... This is kind of like writing myself a note and posting it to the refrigerator. I may read it one day and then glance over it, unseeing, then next. Maybe if I leave myself enough notes, I will remember to do something about it.

northwest girl at heart.

It's 83 degrees Fahrenheit in the valley. In January.

I'm going to die... :(

strawberry swing.

If you're reading my blog, I'm sure you noticed a slight change in music ... this won't be the first time! My music changes quite frequently, as mood or boredom levels predict. This time, it was of necessity.

I haven't changed music in a long while. However, I recently added another song to my list: Coldplay's Strawberry Swing. Second on the list, it carries with it everything and nothing that makes me smile. "Nothing," meaning that I haven't any actual tie to the music -- if music alone could make me smile, I would be a glum person indeed. "Everything" in that it reminds me of simple things that do give my life meaning and purpose, and thus make me smile. Perhaps I'm digging too deeply but I tend to gravitate toward songs that suggest meaning, that imply something, rather than spell things out in black and white. It's probably the English major in me...but I do find myself seeking out the spiritual and emotional ramifications in whatever I allow myself to read, listen to, or watch.

Why Strawberry Swing? It's reminiscent of childhood with a splash of adventure but also points back to what has been on my mind since I started this insane adventure in Southern California. There's something to be said about a strong support network. I am SO very thankful for mine, albeit the fact that they are almost 1000 miles away from me. Without them, it's a waste of time.

Now the sky could be blue,
I don't mind
Without you it's a waste of time.

The sky could be blue,
Could be gray
Without you I would slide away
The sky could be blue,
I don't mind
Without you it's a waste of time.

the list.

Grocery shopping. Does it never end?

Edit:: So. Went grocery shopping. Number ONE on the list? Rice. Did I get rice? Oops, no. I forgot. Had to make a small run later in the day. Ridiculous!

revelation 3:20

Let it be sweet, let it be pure
Let it full and powerful, be
Let it be whole, let it be sure
Let it open your eyes to see
Break asunder inconsistency

Let it be harsh, let it be cold
Let it get under your skin
Let it warm, make you bold
Let it pour out, from within
Insufferably be everything

Let it be life, let it yet mourn
Let it be,

Let it be.

Let it be the Love you don't think you need.

hope.

What indeed is too great, that the Lord who made heaven and earth cannot handle? More verses to come...

PSALMS

The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed. A refuge in times of trouble (9:9).

The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold (18:2).

For He has not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; nor has He hidden His face from him; but when he cried to Him, He heard (22:24).

Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord! (27:14)

Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; for the Lord upholds him with His hand (37:24).

God is our refuge and strength. A very present help in trouble. Therefore, we will not fear, even though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; though its waters roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with its swelling (46:1-3).

Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved (55:22).

Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me; You will stretch out Your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and Your right hand will save me (138:7).

LAMENTATIONS

For the Lord will not cast off forever. Though He causes grief, yet He will show compassion according to the multitude of His mercies. For He does not afflict willingly, nor grieve the children of men (3:31-33).

MATTHEW

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest (11:28).

JOHN

These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer. I have overcome the world (16:33).

2 CORINTHIANS

For as the sufferings of Christ about in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ (1:5).

churchill encouragement.

"You have enemies?

GOOD.

That means you stood up for something, sometime in your life."

smallish confession.

When I am not displaced, I am not rattled.
When rattled, I cannot find a resting place.
When I cannot find that resting place, I am out of my comfort zone.
My comfort zone is a pleasant place, but it is an unhealthy place.
When out of my comfort zone, I am prone to making life-changing decisions.
Of the type I don't regret making, I should say- so really, it's a good thing!

There's no easy way to put it: I need change to grow. I hate change. Vicious cycle.

But I still need change.

I do not need to sit on a padded pew and watch the world run past me.

Finish the race. Finish the race.

grades in, finally.

Swatch of sunlight in my California adventure: All A's on my transcript from last semester.

According to my mother, "It's no surprise."

secret to sanity in socal.

BE... as busy as possible. Work often. Stay up late enough to make yourself tired, if you cannot fall asleep.

DRINK... coffee when you wake up. Nap in the afternoon, if necessary. Schedule and arrive early to a bunch of activities, if not working or in classes. If classes have begun and you have homework, do not sit on the couch.

You will fall asleep if you sit on the couch.

FIND... a "third home" (not Starbucks), preferably with enough white noise to keep your mind active. Attack and finish homework at an "A" level.

ON... the weekends, prepare and cook enough food to feed five starving people and freeze some for later. You should feel free to space out on the weekends, too, but not while making dinner.

DO NOT... document your poorly-managed use of time.

Oops.

shift of perspectives.

A few nights ago, everything was fine. I was great, in fact. But this thing loomed over me. Returning to Southern California. There's something here that just sets me on edge. Nothing goes "right," I doubt myself, I don't have my support net to fall back on, and my schedule is up in the air. I guess being out of one's comfort zone can be a negative thing. Past experience has dictated otherwise, so my confusion is complete.

Yesterday was terrible. Coming back to California -- I refuse to call this place home; it has granted neither comfort nor happiness -- was not something I desired. I have had better experiences during my time in Alaska. At least people in Alaska are friendly and genuinely care about your well-being.

I did not pack until the day before. Sure, I had an idea about what I wished to include in my suitcase, but to pack said suitcase days in advance would be retroactive. I've packed days in advance before, only to pull everything out and pack the night before. Brittany came by and kept me entertained with great conversation - but somehow nothing fit after she left, so I had to take everything out, pick and choose what to bring with me, and repack. When dinner was served and Ryan came by a little while later, I was probably only a fourth of my way into repacking. I felt bad but he was patient. I guess I was stalling -- I didn't want to leave. Our 6-month anniversary was the day I left, after all! Good grief.

Okay. Yesterday. Woke up Mom at 4:45am. We left and she dropped me off at the airport; it was a mad house. Airport security were counting heads and kept closing down TSA checkpoints because there were too many people on the floor at one time. I ended up running to my gate because TSA closed down the checkpoints closest to my gate. Slightly frustrating. Boarding is always easy for me and I don't mind flying, but I do get annoyed when it comes to getting OFF the plane. I called my roommate to pick me up from the FlyAway zone. No answer. Long story short, after spending my day (5am to 11am) traveling, it took TWO more hours before she called to tell me there had been a meeting at work. A friend from work picked me up instead. I got to the apartment at 3:30pm because we "had to" stop and eat.

I figured I would take a shower and rid myself of airplane grime before unpacking. It is day 2 and I still haven't unpacked. I probably won't fully unpack until this weekend; it's been nuts. Every time I go to open that silly bag, I get a call or something makes me cry. Wonderful being a girl, yes? Anyhow. Go to turn on my car: dead. Not okay. Roommate to the rescue -- twice, because I decided it would be okay to turn the thing off. Apparently, I should have let my car run for forty minutes, not the normal twenty. The rest of the day was colored by everything before ... and I went to bed around 1am today.

But today is worse. My grandmother was diagnosed with stomach cancer. Praying for effective chemo therapy and for rapid healing for her...the final potential result of this diagnosis puts everything in its proper place, doesn't it?

Life is short.