what i am learning ... part 1.

I have learned that being stoic only lasts for so long for me. I need to be more aware of my attitude and stress levels during the week to avoid a catastrophic landslide of emotion.

Actually, whoa. Let me backtrack.

Being stoic implies that I figured whatever was happening in my life, well, I could handle it on my own. On my own. On my own. Get it? As if it's all about me. Always has been, if I'm honest.

But it can't be about me. Can. Not. Ever. Why am I here, doing what I'm doing? Why am I even living? I have no purpose in and of myself. Life makes no sense without a purpose. What is the purpose then, but to love and to serve the Almighty God? Are you not quite with me? When else does anything make sense, I ask you. Why love, why fight, why learn, why think, why discover? The list goes on, my friend. There must be a purpose. And without an infinite God, without absolutes, there is nothing you can rely on.

Today was one of those days that didn't start right and ended poorly.

I stayed up too late the night before, a direct result of too much caffeine intake at work that morning. An unhappy bout of sleep followed thereafter and I woke this morning on the wrong side of bed. With a migraine. My fault!

Secondly, I felt nauseous. A direct result of said migraine. Stayed home from attending church -- poor choice number two. Instead, watched last week's sermon online about pride. Migraine intensified because of poor lighting in my room. Bad attitude followed thereafter and I counted all the ways I had had enough of Santa Clarita until work. At noon. Apparently that sermon was lost on me!

Third, I started my shift with an even poorer attitude, a direct result of noting my misfortunes (a general air of "woe-is-me") in this arid Californian valley. And the day got better when the health department arrived at work for a surprise visit; we were vastly unprepared. Anger followed thereafter. I knew what needed to change two weeks ago but had not been able to convince anyone -- until then. I fought to hold back tears and bitter words. Poor choice number three: kept them alive under the surface.

Took a walk and called my sister to clear my thoughts and gain better perspective. After such a day, I didn't want to have company over later, but we had promised. My bitter words fell on her ears -- poor choice number four. I apologized but I felt terrible. And it wasn't because of the caffeine I had ingested a few hours prior.

Feeling sorry for myself -- poor choice number five.

You know your attitude affects everything you think, say, and do? Well, it does.

I've heard, "Attitude is contagious -- is yours worth catching," many times but had never applied it to my life until today. I mean, really taken a step back to look in the mirror, examine myself honestly, and come to ugly conclusions. How in the world does God put up with me on a daily basis??

Sure, I could blame my attitude on the caffeine. I could even blame it on the health department.

But that would be dismissing the fact that I was in the wrong, that I made choices that were neither God-honoring nor pleasant to witness.

I pray those directly affected by my attitude will forgive me. I have many shortcomings and quite a few were put on display today for all to see. I am embarrassed and incredibly humbled by my inability to share the love of Christ with others. How can they see Him when they're only seeing me act like a spoiled two-year-old?

I'm reminded of a sermon I heard a week ago from Nehemiah 9. It centered around Confession. I am confessing to you right now: my God is a compassionate, kind, gracious, and merciful God ... who in His righteous anger should crush me but instead has offered me a challenge to grow and be molded into the woman He wants me to be, painful though the process may be.

He has never, nor will He ever, abandon me in my weakness. He has never forgotten me. He provides me with friends who give sound advice (Ecclesiastes 5:9-10). He holds me to account, yet He forgives me when I seek Him (Psalm 5:3, 11, 12). He gives me strength for tomorrow and courage to face each new day. He is faithful to provide me with what I need. He holds each and every aspect of my life together. Even the little things (Colossians 1:15-17). I know I can trust Him fully, even through the trials of life (James 1).

I wish I didn't have a selfish tendency and finite memory.

the curse of the youth.

Immaturity reigns.

Why don't young adults vote? Why do they instead value playing video games until their eye sockets cry out for lack of sleep? Why do they insist on behaving as typical junior high students do? Why do they consistently reach for what is easiest to attain? Why do they skip morning church to sleep in, or attend evening church for free coffee? Why don't they listen to instruction or participate in meaningful debate? Why do they discuss what is inappropriate and cling to the controversial? Why is it okay to be stupid and silly, but not respectful and polite? Why do I always feel uncomfortable around young adults who behave rudely? Why travel in large groups unless you realize your insignificance can only be surmounted by a gathering of other insignificant people? Why measure yourself with others and act like fools? Why do adults cheer these actions on, as if they are endearing and cute?

Is it possible that the youth are being inundated with inanity? I would answer in the affirmative.

Screaming is for junior high kids, not for graduates of high school.

It truly is embarrassing to watch.

If you ever wonder why I am a proponent for homeschooling, look at this list. I cannot think of one instance, after junior high, when I acted like this in public. Sure, I had my moments in the privacy of my parents' home ... but they were not condoned.

When I was young, I acted like a child (I Corinthians 13:11).

I am no longer a child. I have left childish things behind me.

a toast to a new day.

To any who wonder what's been going on here, in my little corner of the world, the time has come to start something new.

What is new?
- I have moved to Santa Clarita / Valencia, in southern California, where the sun bakes the pavement, the wind blows hot as Hades, and the ocean breezes are an hour away. It is a different world.
- I am about to start classes which will enable me to teach English in both public and private junior high and high schools. Quite a learning experience, let me tell you! And a lot of paper. But that's just the half of it.
- I will be renting a three bed, two bath apartment with five other girls, of whom one is my little sister. It has been a while since I have shared a room with anyone; and a longer time since my sister and I have shared a bunk bed. I'm looking forward to spending that time with her, in bittersweet fashion, since she will be a married woman in less than a year's time.
- I have completely let go of the headache resulting from an unhealthy relationship in my past, which threatened to destroy what God had worked in my heart for a long time to create. God has shown me what remains, although broken and battered, is a diamond in the rough ... the process to perfection has and will continue to be painful, but I give my life to His capable hands. His will is all that matters.
- I have subsequently found myself embarking on another journey altogether, one which will be shaped and altered as well as assuredly strengthened and challenged through distance. It will, Lord-allowing, reach the best conclusion but in this journey, I am not alone. Rather, I find myself blessed with someone I know I can trust fully and completely. Yes, might be a double positive, but it's the right kind of double positive.

This is, until later, what's new!
May God's blessing not only manifest itself in each big decision you make but also be found in the cracks and in the crevices of your life.

He alone is worthy of our praise :)